i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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