Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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