Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
