I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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