When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
