im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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