no, he came in my armpit
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
