Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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