my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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