The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
