your parents love me but you hate me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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