girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
