He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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