Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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