i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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