I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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