So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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