What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
