Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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