i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
pray to the hookup gods
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
