Someone shit on the floor
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
