i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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