Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I would fuck him just for his dog
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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