I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
