Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
