I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
