the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Found the puke drawer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
