1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize