Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize