Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
