awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
