I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
