Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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