i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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