I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
