Is it because I queefed?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
