If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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