How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
