my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
