i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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