I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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