Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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