Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
