Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
