Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
