I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
