Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
