I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
