i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
