ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
