I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
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