I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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