Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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