She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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