summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
